Heart Attack

About two weeks ago, I got a text from my dad. It said " I don't want to alarm you Sweety pie, but I just arrived at the E.R. via ambulance.  I had a cardiogram and they found fluid around my heart."  I had to call him immediately.  He assured me that it was no big deal, that they would just drain the fluid and he would be fine.  He joked about how when he was put in the ambulance, the AC DC song Highway to Hell was blaring.  I thought it highly inappropriate but so funny.  My dad agreed, It was nice to laugh with him. I told him how much I loved him and to update me.  My heart felt a little lighter.

But I was restless for the remainder of my work day. As soon as I got off work I tried both him and Sheri to see how he was, but neither were answering.  I felt a tinge of panic creep back into my heart. I had plans that night to meet my dear friends for drinks and dinner and just wanted to be distracted so I decided to not cancel.  I finally got an update that he was in an exploratory procedure and they would know more in an hour.
I attempted to stifle my concern and panic until I got the next call.  My dad had had a massive heart attack in the past 10 days, there was damage to really important parts of his heart.  They immediately started doing open heart surgery to drain the fluid and stabilize his heart.  My heart was under attack too.  You never know how much you love someone or need them until you are faced with never hearing their voice again.  I was a disaster.  I am so thankful for Colby, Nate, Adrien, and Juice for being supportive and helping to distract me so I didn't count every second of that night.   
The whole night I kept thinking, does he know how much I love him?  Did my dad know how important he is to me? Did I tell him enough? 

He made it through that night, then a procedure to get stints a couple days later, and this past week another surgery to fix an aneurysm in his leg that was causing blood to pool in his groin.   
I have no words for how thankful I am that he made it through and I got to hear his voice again.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to tell him how important he is to me every day.  I told him that I have over 20 voice mails saved on my phone from him because they all make me happy and I cant ever bring myself to delete them.  I told him what a wonderful dad he is.  I also got to tell him about my boyfriend and how happy I am. 
While he isn't completely out of the woods, he is doing much better.  It has been difficult being so far away when all I want to do is be there to support him.
So many crazy life changing events have happened this year, things that have reminded me about what really matters at the end of the day.  The entire time I was questioning myself about whether my dad knew how much he was loved, I kept feeling a resounding yes in my heart.  So while I have been blessed with more time with my dad, I know I must be doing something right.  And I am thankful for the reminder to cherish the people we don't know how to live without. 

Back to My Blond Roots

I'm a natural blond, but for the last 4 years I have been dying my hair black.  I loved it.  I needed the change then.  But for the entirety of those 4 years my dad would mention OFTEN, how I would look better as a blond.  It always made me laugh.  I had no desire to go blond again until this month.  I think it was the Marilyn Monroe Wig I wore to a plethora of Halloween parties.  So I went for it.  It was so scared I would hate it.  But I love it.  Next time I may even do more blond. I also love the short cut. It is so easy to style.  

Lindsey Campbell at Wild Style Salon rocks.   

Love Will Not Enslave You

I found this on Pinterest, one of my many happy addictions.  Over the last couple years, After being burned and broken hearted, I have been so afraid of love.   I have dated and had fun, but at the first signs of forming any real attachment, I would run in the other direction. I couldn't bare to be vulnerable.  But when I saw this It touched my heart as true.  It is not love that betrays, dismays, or enslaves. 
Love has protected, taken care of, and lifted me up through this most difficult time.  It has sheltered and comforted me when I needed it the most.  Which begs the question...."what am I so afraid of?" 

She Turned Her Cants into Cans and Her Dreams into Plans

I was told last night that I walk like a "cute penguin."  Its a good thing the comment was prefaced by the word cute. But its hard walking different since my surgery.  Its hard looking at a flight of stairs let alone go up or down htem. I get frustrated and stuck sometimes in my recovery.  I miss the easy days where I rolled out of bed full of energy, ready to take on the world. I miss pretty high heel shoes and well moisturized feet.  I cant wait to reach my feet.  I cant wait until I walk normal.  But this life is the journey not the destination and it is with each and every step that I'm turning my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.