Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
True Friendship
Friendship means so many different things to different people and over the years I have had some amazing friends. I have also had some amazingly awful friends. Some friendships have lasted a season and some friendships have spanned decades and I'm hoping a lifetime. Some friendships have built me up and made me a better person, while others have torn me down and broken my heart.
Over the last 6 month I have thought a ton about why some friends are irreplaceable and devastating to lose and other times, a friendship ending is a relief.
What I recognize is that there are a few key ingredients to a great friendship. I haven't always valued the same qualities, but as Ive changed, my priorities when it comes to friends has changed as well. Now more than ever, I value friends who contribute, who are positive, and most importantly friends who can handle real conversations about problems and even occasional criticism.
Ive never wanted to be a critical person, in fact, I have spent most of my life trying to avoid being critical, but after years of living with a person , biting my tongue, and avoiding saying the criticisms I felt, I can recognize what a disservice I did to both him and I. I spent years not fighting with him, instead of years fighting to save us. I wasn't being real or honest. I was being a chicken. Because criticism doesn't have to be cruel or mean. Criticism, used in the right way, can be a gift.
My amazing friend Nissa is very dear to my heart. She has taught me the power in being real. She says it all the time, "if we can't be real with each other, our friendship wont last." In the beginning of our friendship this was a hard thing for me. It was really hard for me to tell her when she upset me. It was hard to say how I really felt. It was hard to tell her that I felt she was being a "pot-stirrer" or "inappropriate." She was constantly saying "why didn't you tell me this two weeks ago?" I tried to explain that I wanted to get over my anger or frustration first, and if I couldn't let it go, then talk to her. She wasn't having it. She WANTED to know if I was upset or angry. Not weeks later, but in that moment. She really wanted me to tell her the truth...not the sugar coated, easy version, but the sometimes harsh, scary, messy TRUTH.
Each time I told the truth, I was surprised. Her reaction wasn't one of self defence, anger, or hostility but one of humility, introspection, understanding, and love. Her insistance created an environment where things cant build and fester. The gift of being able to say the truth is more valuable than I can put into words. Being friends with someone who really sees me, even the messy, scary parts of me, and still loves me is priceless. And having the kind of friend who tells me what they really think and feel is a treasure I hope everyone finds.
I also have a few amazing friends who really contribute. Friends that are always there for me in huge ways. Who I swear do more for me than I can ever do for them.
Gabrielle is a perfect example of this. She was having a hard time financially, she had just been laid off and takes care of both her daughter (my niece) and her grandma. I offered to let her stay with me. You would think that I was doing her a favor but after 6 months of her living with me, I feel like I got the better end of the stick. Every weekday morning for months, Gab would wake up early and head out in to the bitter, frigid, horrid, did I say bitter, cold, winter morning to sweep the snow from my car and start my engine. For anyone who knows me, I hate the winter and being cold. Gab did for me the most amazing thing, she made my entire winter less bitter, frigid, horrid,and cold. Talk about contributing. This is just one example of the constant contributions from Gabrielle.
April is another great friend who is really there for me. I love what our friendship has grown into. No matter what I have going on, April is always the first to offer her help. Whether its spending HOURS helping me move, getting up before the sun to help me in the commercial kitchen to make 500 cakeballs even though she didn't get any sleep, bringing me a Red Mango or Coffee to brighten my day at work. April is so thoughtful and generous.
What I love about all three of these friends, is that while I am the common thread, they are all very good to each other. They are positive, inclusive, and fun. Its not about jealousy, insecurity, scowls, whispering in the corner, don't take more pictures with her than me; Its about having fun and being good to each other. It is so nice to leave all the drama behind. It is so nice to have friends who have enough self confidence to recognize how unique and awesome they are and not make me choose between them.
My friend Sherie is another person that has taught me so much about friendship and generosity. We both have similar challenges when it come to our finances and she is always the first to text or call me anytime she has any extra to see if I need anything. She goes to her fridge to see what she can give me. We may have different religious view, different priorities, different ideas on fun, different social circles, but we share the same love and respect for each other.
In the reverse of these amazing qualities, I consider a bad friend to be someone who cant be real or honest, someone who doesn't contribute, and someone who is negative.
As I mentioned before, I have had some awful friends who fit this exact description. Friends who wouldn't say to me what they were thinking or feeling, but could take the time to tell our family, their other friends, write blogs about it, but NEVER say a word to me. Then there are friends who just disappear without a trace and friends who take more than they give. Everyone at one time or another has been a bad friend. Even I have been one. We are all imperfect. We say things we don't mean, take offense, give the silent treatment, make sarcastic comments on social media sites to vent our hurt and frustration, and we talk behind backs.
I can see myself in a few of these actions. But the beauty of this life, is that just because I made a mistake yesterday doesn't mean I have to make the same one today. In the face of hurt feelings, pride, blame, negativity, selfishness, and slander, I can hold my head high today and be above it.
I can cherish the beautiful friends that I have and let go of the ones that don't work. And most importantly, I can watch these amazing, generous, loving, and gifted women and learn from them about how to be a better friend.
Over the last 6 month I have thought a ton about why some friends are irreplaceable and devastating to lose and other times, a friendship ending is a relief.
What I recognize is that there are a few key ingredients to a great friendship. I haven't always valued the same qualities, but as Ive changed, my priorities when it comes to friends has changed as well. Now more than ever, I value friends who contribute, who are positive, and most importantly friends who can handle real conversations about problems and even occasional criticism.
Ive never wanted to be a critical person, in fact, I have spent most of my life trying to avoid being critical, but after years of living with a person , biting my tongue, and avoiding saying the criticisms I felt, I can recognize what a disservice I did to both him and I. I spent years not fighting with him, instead of years fighting to save us. I wasn't being real or honest. I was being a chicken. Because criticism doesn't have to be cruel or mean. Criticism, used in the right way, can be a gift.
My amazing friend Nissa is very dear to my heart. She has taught me the power in being real. She says it all the time, "if we can't be real with each other, our friendship wont last." In the beginning of our friendship this was a hard thing for me. It was really hard for me to tell her when she upset me. It was hard to say how I really felt. It was hard to tell her that I felt she was being a "pot-stirrer" or "inappropriate." She was constantly saying "why didn't you tell me this two weeks ago?" I tried to explain that I wanted to get over my anger or frustration first, and if I couldn't let it go, then talk to her. She wasn't having it. She WANTED to know if I was upset or angry. Not weeks later, but in that moment. She really wanted me to tell her the truth...not the sugar coated, easy version, but the sometimes harsh, scary, messy TRUTH.
Each time I told the truth, I was surprised. Her reaction wasn't one of self defence, anger, or hostility but one of humility, introspection, understanding, and love. Her insistance created an environment where things cant build and fester. The gift of being able to say the truth is more valuable than I can put into words. Being friends with someone who really sees me, even the messy, scary parts of me, and still loves me is priceless. And having the kind of friend who tells me what they really think and feel is a treasure I hope everyone finds.
I also have a few amazing friends who really contribute. Friends that are always there for me in huge ways. Who I swear do more for me than I can ever do for them.
Gabrielle is a perfect example of this. She was having a hard time financially, she had just been laid off and takes care of both her daughter (my niece) and her grandma. I offered to let her stay with me. You would think that I was doing her a favor but after 6 months of her living with me, I feel like I got the better end of the stick. Every weekday morning for months, Gab would wake up early and head out in to the bitter, frigid, horrid, did I say bitter, cold, winter morning to sweep the snow from my car and start my engine. For anyone who knows me, I hate the winter and being cold. Gab did for me the most amazing thing, she made my entire winter less bitter, frigid, horrid,and cold. Talk about contributing. This is just one example of the constant contributions from Gabrielle.
April is another great friend who is really there for me. I love what our friendship has grown into. No matter what I have going on, April is always the first to offer her help. Whether its spending HOURS helping me move, getting up before the sun to help me in the commercial kitchen to make 500 cakeballs even though she didn't get any sleep, bringing me a Red Mango or Coffee to brighten my day at work. April is so thoughtful and generous.
What I love about all three of these friends, is that while I am the common thread, they are all very good to each other. They are positive, inclusive, and fun. Its not about jealousy, insecurity, scowls, whispering in the corner, don't take more pictures with her than me; Its about having fun and being good to each other. It is so nice to leave all the drama behind. It is so nice to have friends who have enough self confidence to recognize how unique and awesome they are and not make me choose between them.
My friend Sherie is another person that has taught me so much about friendship and generosity. We both have similar challenges when it come to our finances and she is always the first to text or call me anytime she has any extra to see if I need anything. She goes to her fridge to see what she can give me. We may have different religious view, different priorities, different ideas on fun, different social circles, but we share the same love and respect for each other.
In the reverse of these amazing qualities, I consider a bad friend to be someone who cant be real or honest, someone who doesn't contribute, and someone who is negative.
As I mentioned before, I have had some awful friends who fit this exact description. Friends who wouldn't say to me what they were thinking or feeling, but could take the time to tell our family, their other friends, write blogs about it, but NEVER say a word to me. Then there are friends who just disappear without a trace and friends who take more than they give. Everyone at one time or another has been a bad friend. Even I have been one. We are all imperfect. We say things we don't mean, take offense, give the silent treatment, make sarcastic comments on social media sites to vent our hurt and frustration, and we talk behind backs.
I can see myself in a few of these actions. But the beauty of this life, is that just because I made a mistake yesterday doesn't mean I have to make the same one today. In the face of hurt feelings, pride, blame, negativity, selfishness, and slander, I can hold my head high today and be above it.
I can cherish the beautiful friends that I have and let go of the ones that don't work. And most importantly, I can watch these amazing, generous, loving, and gifted women and learn from them about how to be a better friend.
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