R.I.P the "Fleeples"

I'm going to be absolutely honest when I say that Tuesday night was by far the worst night of my life. I have never felt so much anguish. Yesterday morning I was so angry that as I drove to work crying, I was determined to figure out a way to put a big red X right through the top of my blog where it used to say "love is a verb." and change it to "love is a lie" but even through my pain and anger...I just know that isn't true. Or at least, its rarely true. I have had some tough days. I have cried more than I wish I had or new I could. I have used the word hate. But deep down that's just not me. I am in shock because I somehow believed that happiness guaranteed a future with Ian and I. I believed that "Love is all you need." I believed with my whole heart in the life that we had made together. I never doubted it. I loved. I had fun. I laughed a ton! I was "schmoopy". We had disagreements but always worked them out. I was generous with my heart and my affection. I was imperfect. I was blind.

The first day, I honestly didn't know how I was going to get throught the next moment or the next day. But I am. And through all of this I am amazed at how many blessings have come my way. I have some amazing friends and family who have been extremely supportive and loving and somehow all knew the right things to say. Thursday I got a package in the mail from Heritage Makers that actually made me smile, it was some 8x8 pages I had made. I SMILED! I also had one of our old drivers Cecil stop by work to give us some lotto tickets and as he went to leave, He gave me a side hug and said "Sarah, have you been losing weight, because you look amazing!" I actually laughed and in my head I thought "you have got to be F-ing kidding me." After two nights of no sleep or eating and two days of crying, no makeup, and my hair in a ponytail....someone thought I looked amazing. It was such a blessing.

I want to thank Nikki for being there and helping in more ways than I can count, Kellie for getting right to business and start helping me look for a roomate or a new place to live. I want to thank Sherie for coming over Wednesday night to be with me and drive me where I needed to go and my mom, who knew just how to make me feel loved and comforted and had some great words of wisdom. Thank you April and Jana for making time for me and being some great ears. My co-workers for filling in for my distracted brain. To JABE, for the beautiful flowers and lots of "I love you's."

Tonight, while I still have so many un answered questions, I know that this is for the best and I am excited for all of the new possibilites in my life. New places, new people, maybe even a puppy. I have no regrets becasue in the words of Dane Cook "I DID MY BEST!!!" I was a good girlfriend. A good extra mommy. I was generous with my love. I had a FEARLESS HEART! And while the road ahead of me isnt going to be easy, I wont just survive, I will land on top.
The title of this post is "Rest in Peace-The Fleeples" I am going to try to do just that. I am going to let go of my anger and try to appreciate the amazing lessons I have learned.