Heart Attack

About two weeks ago, I got a text from my dad. It said " I don't want to alarm you Sweety pie, but I just arrived at the E.R. via ambulance.  I had a cardiogram and they found fluid around my heart."  I had to call him immediately.  He assured me that it was no big deal, that they would just drain the fluid and he would be fine.  He joked about how when he was put in the ambulance, the AC DC song Highway to Hell was blaring.  I thought it highly inappropriate but so funny.  My dad agreed, It was nice to laugh with him. I told him how much I loved him and to update me.  My heart felt a little lighter.

But I was restless for the remainder of my work day. As soon as I got off work I tried both him and Sheri to see how he was, but neither were answering.  I felt a tinge of panic creep back into my heart. I had plans that night to meet my dear friends for drinks and dinner and just wanted to be distracted so I decided to not cancel.  I finally got an update that he was in an exploratory procedure and they would know more in an hour.
I attempted to stifle my concern and panic until I got the next call.  My dad had had a massive heart attack in the past 10 days, there was damage to really important parts of his heart.  They immediately started doing open heart surgery to drain the fluid and stabilize his heart.  My heart was under attack too.  You never know how much you love someone or need them until you are faced with never hearing their voice again.  I was a disaster.  I am so thankful for Colby, Nate, Adrien, and Juice for being supportive and helping to distract me so I didn't count every second of that night.   
The whole night I kept thinking, does he know how much I love him?  Did my dad know how important he is to me? Did I tell him enough? 

He made it through that night, then a procedure to get stints a couple days later, and this past week another surgery to fix an aneurysm in his leg that was causing blood to pool in his groin.   
I have no words for how thankful I am that he made it through and I got to hear his voice again.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to tell him how important he is to me every day.  I told him that I have over 20 voice mails saved on my phone from him because they all make me happy and I cant ever bring myself to delete them.  I told him what a wonderful dad he is.  I also got to tell him about my boyfriend and how happy I am. 
While he isn't completely out of the woods, he is doing much better.  It has been difficult being so far away when all I want to do is be there to support him.
So many crazy life changing events have happened this year, things that have reminded me about what really matters at the end of the day.  The entire time I was questioning myself about whether my dad knew how much he was loved, I kept feeling a resounding yes in my heart.  So while I have been blessed with more time with my dad, I know I must be doing something right.  And I am thankful for the reminder to cherish the people we don't know how to live without. 

Back to My Blond Roots

I'm a natural blond, but for the last 4 years I have been dying my hair black.  I loved it.  I needed the change then.  But for the entirety of those 4 years my dad would mention OFTEN, how I would look better as a blond.  It always made me laugh.  I had no desire to go blond again until this month.  I think it was the Marilyn Monroe Wig I wore to a plethora of Halloween parties.  So I went for it.  It was so scared I would hate it.  But I love it.  Next time I may even do more blond. I also love the short cut. It is so easy to style.  

Lindsey Campbell at Wild Style Salon rocks.   

Love Will Not Enslave You

I found this on Pinterest, one of my many happy addictions.  Over the last couple years, After being burned and broken hearted, I have been so afraid of love.   I have dated and had fun, but at the first signs of forming any real attachment, I would run in the other direction. I couldn't bare to be vulnerable.  But when I saw this It touched my heart as true.  It is not love that betrays, dismays, or enslaves. 
Love has protected, taken care of, and lifted me up through this most difficult time.  It has sheltered and comforted me when I needed it the most.  Which begs the question...."what am I so afraid of?" 

She Turned Her Cants into Cans and Her Dreams into Plans

I was told last night that I walk like a "cute penguin."  Its a good thing the comment was prefaced by the word cute. But its hard walking different since my surgery.  Its hard looking at a flight of stairs let alone go up or down htem. I get frustrated and stuck sometimes in my recovery.  I miss the easy days where I rolled out of bed full of energy, ready to take on the world. I miss pretty high heel shoes and well moisturized feet.  I cant wait to reach my feet.  I cant wait until I walk normal.  But this life is the journey not the destination and it is with each and every step that I'm turning my cants into cans and my dreams into plans.

Warning: Body Surfing May Be Dangerous..

I got this wrist band at the Foo Fighters concert 15 days ago and cant take it off because it makes me laugh at least once every day.  The top line says " WARNING: BODY SURFING AND SIMILAR ACTIVITIES ARE DANGEROUS."  ;-) I really needed this warning, because without it, I was bound to get crazy at the concert.  Anytime I am tempted to do something that isn't safe in my condition, I look at he pink Foo band and think....No Body surfing for me...at least not yet :-)

Foo Fighters Miracle

 

Foo Fighters....where to begin. Just saying their name makes me smile. I heart them crazy mad. Which is totally bizarre because I'm not fanatical about any other band or celebrity in the world. But I am "fan"atical about Foo Fighters.  I have been a fan since 1999.  The year I graduated from high school and at 17 years old, went off to college.

I remember loving the song Hero and watching Learn To Fly's music video in my dorm room.  In 1999 I let go of the introverted, shy girl.  I let go of who my family and religion expected me to be. I let go of so many of my insecurities and other peoples expectations of me and started the path to becoming me....  

Within the next couple years I had so many firsts.  Every time I hear the song Everlong it takes me back to one amazing moment, wrapped in the arms of a man, snuggled up on his couch.  The lyrics "Breath out, so I can breath you in,"are exactly that moment for me.  I will never forget the way his breath became mine.  He did look a lot like Dave Grohl so that just further connected the two things forever.   And after things went bad, the lyrics "the only thing I'll ever ask of you, you gotta promise not to stop when I say when, she sang"  I sang.

Times Like These, was MY anthem for taking another chance at love. 

I cant help but sing along to the intro of All My Life EVERY time I hear it:  

"All my life Ive been searching for something. Something never comes, never leads to nothing, nothing satisfies, but Im getting close.  Closer to the prize at the end of the rope."

I could go on and on about Pretender.  In fact, I have. Just this past spring I sat on my Dad's patio in Phoenix, enjoying the perfect temperature, just as the sun was setting.  I spent an hour telling my dad how awesome Foo Fighters are and how bad ass Pretender is. I made him listen to it.  

 The lyrics to Best of You hit me in a very deep place. 

"Were you born to resist or be abused?... Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?"

 So back in June, when Foo Fighters updated their Facebook that new tour dates would be announced... and Utah fans would be happy, my heart actually did a cartwheel.  I swear. I missed them at the Olympics here in 2000 because I was a poor college student and couldnt get tickets.  So while I didnt exactly have the money in my budget, at exactly 10 AM, I logged into Ticketmaster for presale tickets.  I was one of the first in SLC to get my tickets.   All summer I talked about the upcoming concert.  I had every intention of getting so close, I could see the sweat drip off of Dave Grohl's face.  

But then something devasting happened.  I had a disk "the size of a house" violently smash against my nerves and spinal cord and ended up in emergency surgery.

When I finally got home from the hospital, I remember laying in my bed, staring across my room at the awesome calendar I made for September-October with a giant picture of the Foo Fighters. 

It hit me like a ton of bricks, all the things that were different.  I now had to walk with a walker, I had a less than sexy back brace, I couldnt shower myself, I could barely make it to the bathroom.  I couldnt bend or twist....I wasn't just missing the feeling in my feet, legs, and butt....I was missing Foo Fighters because the concert was in 11 days.  

I cried so hard for so many hours.  I cried about my feet, the prospect of never wearing high heels again, but missing the Foo Fighters was beyond painful.  So I pushed the thought away.  I tried to get stronger.  I went to work way too soon. I went to bed early every night. I went for walks, everyday a little farther.  

But as it got closer I just knew how fragile I was.  I knew how dangerous it could be for me to be in a crowd of smushed together people. It could be a disaster.  So I decided to give my tickets to a friend. I sent the text offering my tickets but it broke my heart a little.  By the next day I knew I couldnt miss this concert. 

So I called the venue instead.  I called for three days straight.  On the third day, I called three times before I got the box office manager.  I explained my situation and he offered me what felt like a miracle.  I could watch my favorite band from the "PENALTY BOX" of the arena.  It makes me giggle every time I say it.  The penalty box is right on the ground but nobody could knock me over, I had walls to lean against, a way to walk a little and sit a little. It was as close to perfect as I could get. 

Gab helped me decorate my walker with black glitter spraypaint and we made a sign that said Foo Fighters or Bust.  We met our friends Derek and Romina at the Puck for a little Prefunk/dinner. I was like a little kid waiting for santa.  The anticipation and excitement helped me physically to make it happen, no matter how tired I was. 

I wish I could articulate the emotions and excitement I felt throughout the night.  It was better than birthdays, Christmas, and Disneyland!  The energy and power of the music and the band were AWESOME!!!!

This is what exhausted lools like!

And I swear there was a moment, as Dave stood on the second stage right in front of me, where I held up my walker with my "Foo Fighters or Bust"sign and he looked at me and smiled. Gabalicious was so awesome she surprised me with my now favorite Foo Fighter shirt and Derek and Romina were a blast to hang out with in the "penalty box." Since Romina had never been to a rock concert, I was thrilled to be with her as her "rock concert cherry," was popped. 

For days before and the days since the concert, I have been rockn' out to Foo Fighters constantly.  The songs are in my head all day, everyday.  Im certain my roomate and friends will attest, I have the "Foo Fever."  I have it bad!! 

Truth be told, this has been a devastatingly tough week for me.  One of my darkest in fact.   I wasn't prepared to hear what the surgeon told me for my post op appointment. I wasn't prepared for "maybe never," in reference to ever feeling certain parts of my body that I hold dear. I wasn't prepared to hear the term "cuada equina syndrome."  I am so not together, I almost don't know myself.  But tonight I did what I do most nights, I crawled into bed,  turned on Foo Fighters music and just got lost.  I spent hours watching their music videos and interviews online and then I realized why....because when Im doing those things,  I am not thinking about all the things I cant feel or do. I am thinking about that magical moments on the couch and past heartbreaks I over came.  Im thinking about what their music highlights about life.  Its ups and downs.  The heart breaks,  the tragedies, but more importantly, life's triumps, the amazing unexpected moments, the miracles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HELP

I have always loved my independent nature.  I take pride in it but every great once in a while it has dawned on me that I might be too independent and prideful.  It even has occurred to me once or twice that due to my Independence, aka my pride, that I am single more than not.  But how do I change such a huge part of who I am? I became independent out of necessity.  I hate asking for help.  I hate showing weakness.  I hate burdening people that are already burdened with their own things.  I hate for people to see me as anything but happy, healthy, successful, fun, and capable.  And while every single moment in my life isn't happy, healthy, successful, and fun, I sure as hell don't like to advertise that. 

Then my life flipped upside down. 

This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed.  Yesterday I told my boss I would be in at 8am, but this morning at 7 am I emailed her and had to say...."apparently 12 hours just wasn't enough time in bed, Ill be a little later."  I made it at 9:15am.  While getting ready; I dropped my brush, my sock, missed the garbage can, left lights on that I had to walk back through my place to turn off.  These things sound so simple, but they weren't.  Each thing I dropped I had to go to wherever I last left my grabber and then go pick up what I dropped.  Every step was exhausting.  

Last night I had to ask a friend for a massage. I almost couldn't send the text because I didn't want to make her feel obligated, even though she told me she would come back again.  Every day there are at least 5 things I need but cant bare to ask for.  Even though I have more people offering to help than I can count.  

And then there are all the things I can and do ask for help.  Every day, 50 times, I ask for help. 

I often wonder about why things happen.  Some things are so hard and painful, its hard to see the positive side. 
But almost every time I let go of my pride and ask for help, I think to myself, this is the lesson. This is what I couldn't do and now must do in order to wear clean cloths, keep the sink empty of dishes, access anything in the world that sits lower than my waist, move anything over 8 lbs, walk up or down stairs, get lotion on my legs, and the worst yet. Get my toe nails cut. 
When I look back at the hardest things in my life, I also see the most growth.  And since I clearly couldn't learn the lesson of humility with simple little obstacles.  I am learning, or rather, its being beaten into me every day. 
My heart feels softer and appreciative every day that I have so much help to get me through this.  I cant even imagine what a person would do in this situation if they didn't have HELP. 

Here is a song "Walk" I can relate to both figuratively and literally from my favorite band, the 2nd song "Pretender" is one of my favorites.